


Dear Diary

by kaige68



Category: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Genre: Community: 1_million_words, Diary/Journal, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-21 23:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/906333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaige68/pseuds/kaige68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hansel starts a diary as a means to cope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into this fandom, and was written for the [](http://1-million-words.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://1-million-words.livejournal.com/)**1_million_words** July Pool Party. In reading this, the _Dear... Dairy..._ is done to suggest a slower and enunciated 'writing tone'.
> 
> Read through by scraplove, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All remaining errors are to to my own stubbornness.

Dear... Diary...

My sister is dating a troll. No, really. Edward is actually a troll. Has lived under a bridge and in a few caves, helps witches, can pull a hundred-year-old tree from the ground with very little effort. Troll.

And I mean dating too. I caught her having a picnic with him in the woods. My sister, who will drop a man to the ground gasping for air before she’ll talk to him, and she’s going on dates with a troll.

Ben pants around after her like a puppy. A sad dejected little puppy sometimes when she’s batting her eyes at Edward, but a puppy.

I don’t understand. Puppies are cute. Why is she fawning over Edward when Ben is cute and interested and would do anything for her? I suppose Edward would too, but... troll or puppy? Shouldn’t be a difficult choice.

The worst of it is when I finally, FINALLY, find a clean looking tavern wench with a spectacular set of... teeth, THAT is exactly when Ben comes moping in and sets himself next to me and whines the night away until she goes home to her husband and I’m left with a bar tab and a drunk assistant.

Next time I might ask him to blow me just to make it up to me.

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

Isn’t this supposed to be cathartic? Shouldn’t writing to you help lessen the need I feel to shake my sister until her teeth rattle? I don’t feel you’re being helpful. More like you are just egging me on. WTF Diary?

Anyway, we’re out in the Bakony, looking for a mountain witch, and Gretel says that if we take a room in town, she and I shouldn’t share a room. _People_ would get the wrong impression. People? Or one specific troll? Also, GROSS! That’s my sister! *gag*

I told her that I wasn’t sleeping in a room with Ben unless it was the barn so that the animals would be there to cover the sound of his snoring. To which she said “Excellent, you and Ben can sleep in the barn and that will save money.” That is not at all what I meant.

And, Diary, if I find out that Edward is sleeping in the inn, I will shoot him. There is no way I am forgoing the comfort of a warm room so that she can roll around with a troll.

OH! ICK!! MAKE THE IMAGE STOP!!! BLECH!

~

P... S... Diary...

Now, after my ~~tantrum~~ further objection about Gretel getting to stay inside the inn, it would be best if I didn’t sleep in the barn either, but stayed in the woods with Edward. Which _is_ probably for the best; at least I know where he is. And it’s not as though he has the ability to quietly sneak off while I’m sleeping.

The fun part of this announcement was when Ben announced that he should stay in the room, so that Gretel could be protected (has he not seen my sister kick ass?), Edward grunted and started crushing boulders. Loved it.

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

TWINS!!! I had twins! Lovely, buxom, traveling alone together, TWINS! And then I had Ben. Ben and no twins.

Gretel, calling upon all her charm and delicacy told him to “Leave me alone before I skewer you on a pike, roast you for days, and feed you to the hogs. I am not interested. I love Edward. Stop mooning.”

So now she’s ruined her chances with Ben, Ben has ruined my chances with the twins, Edward is the recipient of the love of a very scary woman. And somehow I am the tactless jerk.

Yes, I was … unsympathetic when Ben started crying. Which had the twins glaring at me and fawning over him.

And yes... I may have started yelling when he repeated that my sister had told him she was in love with a troll.

And yes, true, I may have gotten myself thrown out of the tavern and told not to even go near the stable until I was calm. But what man wouldn’t be... loud when he’d heard that his sister was officially in love with a troll?

Also, Gretel has broken Ben. He was in the stable by the time I allowed back. He’d apparently turned down the twins. Wasn’t sure if they were witches or not, wondered if there were specific witches that drank a man’s essence to gain power. I told him that they were called women, and that if they were willing, he should take them up on the offer.

1) No twins! 2) Gretel’s in loooooooooooooooooove with Edward. 3) I woke up with Ben clinging to me like a fairy tale heroine. 4) No twins!

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

I like Edward. He’s a good ~~guy~~ troll. He does whatever dirty work Gretel asks him to do. He helps Ben and me when he can. He sets up camp, he breaks down camp. He totes and carries. And he’ll beat the living crap out of a witch if we need him to, which goes against his nature so that is very much appreciated.

And it’s not that I don’t think my sister can’t take care of herself - she can - but I feel better knowing that Edward is watching over her.

I just don’t want him as a brother-in-law/troll-in-law.

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

Ben gets better daily. He seems to have given up on my sister. I know it took him a long time to realize that she wouldn’t have anything to do with him, but now that he has, he seems to have gotten over her pretty quickly.

He’s getting along with Edward better, or Edward is getting along with him better. Whichever. Things aren’t as tense; they also aren’t as funny.

It feels more like it did when it was just Gretel and me. It feels like that ‘hunt all the witches’ drive is settling back in. It feels good: it feels like home in a way, but maybe we should … I don’t know.

Ben was practicing shooting last night. He’s now better than Gretel at a single crossbow. He’s not good at hand-to-hand combat though. We practiced that afterward, and I pinned him at least a dozen times. Gretel says that I’m a better teacher at than she is; I did teach her, but... I’m not sure Ben is learning anything.

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

I honestly thought she was being attacked. She was screaming. She’s my SISTER! It’s what we’ve been doing since we were left in the woods; protecting each other.

She was screaming, I went running. Yes, I recall Ben yelling after me to stop. Now. But then, all I could hear was Gretel.

I was calling out to her, trying to find her in the woods. She could have called back that she was alright, that … Before I saw...

Things learned today:  
1) Edward is really good with his tongue. *shudder*  
2) My sister is a screamer. *shudder*  
3) Witches voices carry when aided by a troll. (That might come in handy some day when I get this out of my brain)

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

I... Fucking... Hate... Swamp... Witches...

Who decides they want to live in a swamp? Of all the places … But no... SWAMP!

She kept pulling me under. All the gunpowder got wet and all I could do was hit her. She’d ripped the knives and my injection from me. And she kept pulling me under.

Then I was free. Crawling up onto land, gasping for air. And the next thing I knew, Ben was beside me handing me my things. He was covered in black blood, and the witch was in pieces.

Gretel said that it was Ben that killed her. She and Edward were dealing with her witchlings. She said she saw him kill the bitch with my knife and his bare hands. Said she’d never seen him that mad.

Meanwhile, two river and two inn baths later I still reek of sulphur. Ben went and found me some new clothes (they’re tight but they fit), and I’ll have to start putting together a new gun since mine is still in the swamp. And get a new knife, Ben won’t seem to let mine go.

Gretel hit me in the head and told me I was an idiot. I told her that next time I’ll handle the witchlings and she can have the Swamp Witch. She rolled her eyes and walked away.

I... Fucking... Hate... Swamp... Witches!

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

Ben has gotten strange. I asked Gretel if she thought he had been possessed. She hit me.

Edward sat me down yesterday and tried to have a heart-to-heart. I panicked, thought he was going to ask permission to marry my sister. He laughed, said it was something he’d ask my sister, not me.

Edward was strange, and the whole conversation was strange. He was talking about how ‘ _Sometimes men love women and women love them back. Sometimes trolls love witches, and sometimes men love men. Do you understand?’_ And no, no I didn’t.

But I did wonder if Edward was possessed as well. That didn’t really make a lot of sense, Edward would be very difficult to possess (troll thing). It would make much more sense if I were possessed. And then I was convinced that I must be, because none of what was happening recently made a lot of sense.

Then Gretel hit me. Again.

*~*~*

Dear... Diary...

Ben can kiss.

I’ve been smiling a lot for the last day. I am, in fact, an idiot.

Ben can really kiss.

He’s also a screamer. *wink*


End file.
